Numbers....

This week has been a week of numbers.

1- number of massages I had to get to cure my back ache. Got over my fear of them as well.
3- number of days I layed around because of said back
50- weight (lbs) of cat hair that is over my house
2 - months until I have to decide to move in with the 'rents or stay put.
55- kms I drove to my first subbing day this semester, was amazing.
10- years its been since I had to do grade nine math. I had to teach it today
2 - days until I get to go to Saskatoon
7 - days it took Regina School Board to tell me that they don't want me as a sub
5 - loads of laundry that I need to catch up on
2- number of class 101's that I've taken
15- number of times Koda has kneaded my lower back. (See why I can't give him up)
23- jobs that i have applied for and been told I'm over-qualified
1 000 000 - tears I have cried over this whole money/house/job situation......please fix it someone!

Anyways thats just an inkling.

As much as life sometimes sucks, and it does right now. I have videos like this that make me giggle. May you also get a giggle from it.

Certain aspects of life are still crumbling. Family is okay, although I miss my Grandma everyday. I didn't think I would still be grieving, but I can't even sit and sing a hymn in church without tearing up. Then I started the grieving process with my Mom all over again.

Teaching was fantastic. My last day was sad, but I wasn't able to find another teaching job. This means I have been unemployed since December 22. I have had no paycheck and I am honestly have like $0.35 in the bank. I gave my last $5 to the church on Sunday in faith. I'm still undecided how I feel about God and jazz, but I'm willing to believe and hope that my little Sunday prayer will be answered. But not having a job means that I can't continue on with my idea of adopting because I can't save any money. Not that I am planning to adopt right away, but I was putting away money. Money which is now needed to live.

Relationship wise. I have no relationship. Actually thats okay, cause I don't want one right now.

Anyways I am now on a time-line. I have until March 1 to find a job/roommate so that I can pay the bills. If I can't find anything that can pay my bills, then I will be moving in with my parents. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH THEM. I would be absolutly devestated. I would have to give up my cats. I can not imagine how I am going to feel about that, but if the fact that just writing that sentence brings a sick feeling to my stomach, and tears to my eyes means its not going to be easy.

I was sitting at my Dad's house last night watching American Idol. I could not help but cry as I felt so overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt that I was living off my parent. I know that sometimes its pride. And then theres the fear. The fear of the unknown.

So if you would, say a little prayer, do whatever you believe will help and hopefully if good thoughts are thought then maybe life will turn itself around??

Words of Advice

I got this sent to me in an email. I bolded the ones that spoke volumes to me. Do any speak to you??



1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will so stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read some good books. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

May Baby

So I was over at Kims blog and she had an interesting post. I became curious and wanted to know what my birth month said about me.
here goes........ my comments will come after if I have any.

MAY BABY
Stubborn and hard-hearted. (well I'm told I come by this naturally. Both my Mom and Dad are strubborn, as well as my grandparents)

Strong-willed and highly motivated. (Yep I'm strong willed, but highly motivated?? Not so sure about that one.

Sharp thoughts! (hmmmm, is that why it hurts when I think??)

Easily angered. (Unfortuantly yes, I have very many buttons and they get pushed quite often)

Attracts others and loves attention. (well I'm not sure that I attract others, but I do love me some attention.)

Deep feelings. (I do hurt deep, but I love deep. I hold onto my feelings quite long and they go quite deep. I really agree with this statement!)

Beautiful physically and mentally. (Bah! Maybe mentally was my first reaction. I'm trying people to see myself as beautiful, really I am.)

Firm Standpoint. (Yep if I believe in something I will stay at that and not move even if I may be wrong)

Needs no motivation. (LIE! I need to be motivated all the time)

Shy towards opposite sex. (Most people will think that I'm not, but really I am quite shy if I know your a single male. Its my old drinking life that made me not shy to males, but look where that got me. See why I don't drink anymore??)

Easily consoled. (Yep, just having someone hold my hand or hug me, or say Hey, its okay to be sad makes my day)

Systematic (left brain). (UH HUH!!!!!)

Loves to Dream. (I day-dream all day long. I long for certain things, and right now, I just am thinking about the future children I will adopt and from where. I can't wait.)

Strong clairvoyance. (Well I'm usually pretty good at deciding if someone is trustworthy or worth my time, why don't more people listen...... I could have saved many friends many heartbreaks, but they didn't listen.)

Understanding. (I hope so, but who knows)

Sickness usually in the ear and neck. (ummmm not usually, my sickness is always in my female parts. Sorry maybe that was TMI)

Good Imagination. (yep, I like to imagine, like the time I took my k/1/2's on a dinosaur walk and we saw Dinosaurs all over the school yard. Let me tell you, the comments from parents were priceless. )

Good physical. (nope, but I'm working on it)

Weak breathing. (Yep. I have some serious nasal issues and I was told that my lung capacity sucks!!)

Loves literature and the arts. (Hell Yes!!!)

Loves traveling. (Ummm, yep, although I'm not fond of planes!)

Dislike being at home. (well I like to be at home, but I would rather have someone here with me)

Restless.(all the time)

Not having many children. (not naturally, but I will be having many through adoption.)

Hardworking. (I hope so, I try anyways)

High spirited. (ummmmm???? okay???)


Well if you know me, what do you think? You agree? Disagree??

Trying to Document....

When I started going to the gym with my friend Jen in Brandon one year ago, I was very very out of shape. I wouldn't be able to walk on the treadmill for longer then 20 minutes, and I couldn't do the eliptical trainer for more then 5 minutes.

5 minutes was SO hard for me. Jen would have to talk to me and try to distract me. At one time she even sang to me. It was incredibly horrible and I hated every minute of that machine. I was always so ashamed that I couldn't do it.

When I was at the gym today, I was on that eliptical trainer for 45 minutes. 45 MINUTES!!!!! Yeah for me. So I bought myself a Tim Hortons coffee to celebrate.

I had an "aha" moment today at the gym.

I have always been cocerned with how I look. Do I look fat in this? Does my hair look okay? Do these jeans make my butt look wonky? A day where I can look at myself in the mirror and say to myself that I am beautiful is rare. I don't look in mirrors. I avoid them. I am slowly understanding why I feel this way and what has made my self-image so poor.

I've had a gym membership for 9 months. I have not been consistent, and I've been incredibly sketchy in my attendence. Sometimes I wonder if I am sabatoging myself.

Anyways..... while working on the eliptical trainer I began to think about all of these things. I thought about my Mom, I have never once thought of my Mom to be anything but beautiful. People tell me that I look just like her. So if she's beautiful, why arn't I? My thought process started to think about my body. I don't like the way it looks, sags, sticks out. But its my body. Knowing my body and knowing that I have PCOS and losing wieght is really hard, I realized that I have stayed at the same weight for 6 months. I was really proud of myself. It is so easy for me to gain it, but incredibly hard for me to lose it.

My big "aha" moment came when I realized that I will never be a super model, but I can be healthy for me. What that means I still have to decide that I know that I am going to start looking at the positives.

I am going to start putting a sticker (like a reward chart) on my calender for each day that I go to the gym. Feel free to check it out if you come over, or ask about it. I'm hoping it will be one more way to encourage myself.

I'm in love.....

I'm in love. Its true. But not with what you think.......

I am in love with Koda and DJ. In this little slump of mine, I've been somewhat of a hermit. And the cats are liking it. I am never out of eye's sight from Koda. If he can't be cuddled right on me then he's beside me somewhere. I'm loving it. Hes not even driving me crazy at night. He cuddles up near my face and just sleeps. He's just what the docter ordered.

DJ is becoming more and more sleepy and less active. Its not uncommon for me to have to search the house to find him. That makes me sad, but by being less active he's way more cuddly as well.

When I was going to buy Koda, many people tried to talk me out of it, but I think I made a good decision.

Hopefully I won't forget......

There are many times when dancing is the most unsupportable, ridiculous, unexpected and necessary action. Life should be spent finding these moments and tap dancing through them.

The Way I see it #170(Starbucks Cup)

I'm a Motherless Daughter?

I guess the reason I feel a little "miffed" at the gift of the book, is because I have never really thought of myself as a motherless daughter.

I have always been aware that I am incredibly different then most of my friends. I have always come from a "different" type of family. A family that until recent years was not widely known. Even now if I think about my friends, most have parents who have been together forever. I do not know many people who come from a widowed/blended divorced family. And I'm not complaining. I think that the person I am comes from the different life I've lead. Whether you like me or not, this is who I am.

I guess I feel like I was forced to see myself in a completly different view. A view where I am forced to think about, dream, imagine how my life was altered that cold and snowy day. I can't change it, although for years, and even now, I wonder, what if I was sick that day, maybe she would have stayed home, maybe there is something I could have done to change that outcome. What kind of person would I be if she was here. I know my life was dramatically altered and changed, but how much. Would I still struggle with my self-esteem, my body image? Would I still doubt myself as much as I do now? No one knows and that sucks.

I guess now I'm part of a club that I didn't know existed. I always thought that I was an anomaly. That I was one of a few women who were raised without a Mom. I thought that the feelings I feel and the thoughts I have were so "out-there" and so crazy. I didn't know that others felt the same way. Logically I knew that I wasn't alone, but after 19 years without a Mom, you begin to wonder why you still miss her, and why shes that big of a deal. I think about her more then anyone can imagine. Would she be proud, what does she think of my life choices, does she think I live in a world in a perpetual state of wearing beer goggles? I thought that the pain/grief would go away as I got older. Little did I realize that this would be something I feel for the rest of my life. My mom died when she was 28. Barring any sad events, I will outlive my Mother. I won't have anyone to ask for parenting advice.relationship advice.life guidence. Oh I know I have a step-mom and I have many aunts and lots of friends, but can you honestly tell me that its the same.

This has been bumbling around in my head and has been coming out in sporadic talks with my father, and has been a source of many tears since Christmas. Maybe now that its out, I can go on?.......

This blog is random. Beware.

Why in Georges name am I blogging right now? Well I was awakened by not one, not two but four text messages in succession which made me assume there was an emergency. Nope just a friendly, text train from a friend in Manitoba. So now I'm awake and I can't sleep.

I can't sleep anymore. I try to go to bed at a decent hour, but then I can't fall asleep. I can't seem to stop the endless flow of thoughts flying through my head. When I finally do fall asleep, its always later then 2am, and then I can't seem to drag myself out of bed in the morning.

I'm in a slump. Have felt like I'm in a slump for a while, but then my Gramma passed away and I went deeper into my slump. I didn't have any idea that my Gramma was going to go that quickly. There are many things that have been left unsaid and I am grieving my Mom all over agian.

Which reminds me. I got a book over Christmas. I didn't buy it, and I feel slightly offended that someone bought it for me, but I hear it was sent with good intentions. I recieved the book, Motherless Daughters; A legacy of loss. I've been reading it. I've identified with some and pftted my way through other parts. You may see this book come up often in the next little bit. I'm finding that I go in spurts of grieving about my Mom. Little things will trigger different emotions. I'm usually quite good about being able to control my emotions but its becoming harder these days. I know it has to do with losing my Gramma. She was a second mom, and was one of the few people who I felt I could talk to about my Mom. Gramma was also my connection to that side of the family. I definatly feel like I'm not connected to them anymore. Had someone tell me that I was allowed to be happy. Even though my Mom is gone. I didn't have to be unhappy forever. Never thought of it that way before. Its been circling in my head since I heard it. Not sure what I think about it yet.

I'm unemployed. I didn't get another term position so I will be subbing and I will be looking for part-time work in the meantime. It was a blow to my ego, as I've always been offered the job that I've interviewed for. But I lost out on the jobs to people with way more experiance so I know that someday I will get another one. I need to buy my time with subbing. Which is okay with me. I like the idea of no prepping for a while. But I really really miss my students.

They gave me a great surprise party. I had no clue about most of it, like the powerpoint or the song. Those kids were great kids. Drove me crazy at times, but a great group of students, and a great school. I'm already praying for sub days there.

Anyways I prob. should try to get to sleep agian. I'm hoping that by blogging some of this that my head is a little clearer and I will sleep a little better.
Good night.....