Do I jump??

Jumping. Do I make a leap of faith and go or do I stay where I am comfortable. My friend Sam had a fantastic posting about jumping and decisions and it is tototally affecting my post this morning. Do I jump or do I stay?


So I got a callback. The head hiring guy from the program in North Carolina called me last night. Supposedley they were really impressed with my interview and they were calling to encourage me to reapply for the program and make a serious application. If I do this, I will be having another interview at the end of Febuary and then hopefully I will be getting a job down there.

Now I'm so scared. Its funny because I think that yes I would like to go down there and teach. It would only be for a few years and then I could come back up here and work and live in Canada for the rest of my life.

My Dad (who is supportative no matter what I choose) just happened to remind me of how homesick I can get and to think about that while making my decision. Its true. I do get quite homesick and if I was down there, I for surely would only be coming home at major holidays. But thats okay right?

So now the question is, where do I want to be? I would love to travel to North Carolina and start my teaching career. It would be a fantastic oppurtunity and I'm sure I'd learn to love it. But part of me really realy realy wants to stay in Saskatchewan. I am comfortable there. I know people, I have great friends. My family is located there. What do i do?

This is the hardest part, do I apply and go through the process not knowing what I should do. Or should I hold off? I only have till the end of this week to decide to apply or not???

What is your deepest fear?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others".............Marianne Williamson

I watched Coach Carter again this weekend. And this quote just seemed to pop out at me. Why do I choose to hide who I really am? Why am I scared to show that I am good at something. Am I scared that I will offend someone? Yes its true. I find it very hard to be myself with certain people. I choose to hide behind a facade. It's funny. I want to be happy in my body at this time in my life. I want to feel beautiful even after I have just sweated up a storm at the gym. I want to really honestly believe that I have a nice smile and that when I smile and my face crinkles that that is beautiful. Its so hard.

I think God meant for us to look exactly as we do. I know somewhere in the Bible it says we are beautifully and wonderfully made. We need to act like it. Get comfortable in our skin. When we have become comfortable then this allows others to shine also. They are able to feel beautiful in their skin and grow in ways that honors them and honors God.

For Elise!

Many of you will know but many will not.

My life hasn't always been easy. It's been hard, but sometimes the hardest things I've gone through are of my own doing. I've rarely done the right thing.

I walked away from the church and God when I was 17. I dived deep into the partying scene and all its gory issues. I've struggled with this since then, and I'm not sure I'm ever truly feel like I've conquered all my demons. I've continued to make decisions that continually set me back and make me feel like I'll never conquer these demons. It will be a continuous uphill battle, and I'm trying as hard as I can.

I've never been able talk to anyone about how it all truly affects me. I had never met anyone whos done the same things and has come back to God. But last Sunday I met someone who understands me. We were able to meet just a few girls and talk. I'm not scared to be completly honest with her, and that doesn't happen very often. Its odd how I would meet her and feel so close and understood and now I'm moving.

Elise if your reading this, I want to say, I'm so thankful that I have gotton to know you! Your wonderful and caring and incredibly sweet. It feels incredibly amazing that I can speak frankly without shocking you, and have you know what I'm talking about. And knowing that you are a Christian means that you don't just hear my story for the story but you understand the pull to go back to it. I'm thanking God for you right now!

Does water rot the carpet?

Yes thats right. My roommate Kim and I are having a disagreement!

Tonite I spilt a glass of water, now for arguement sake I'll say the glass was about half full. The first thing that Kim says, "Clean it up, it will rot the carpet."

Now I laughed out loud. Water rotting the carpet? I don't think thats possible. I mean, I wiped up the excess water, but does a little water actually rot the carpet? I'm thinking not, but Kim has her heart set on it rotting.

What do you think? We're having a great disagreement, and are waiting until you guys give us the final say on knowing whos right. Please wiegh in..... thanx!

Beauty by the Book

"We've all had experiances of pain and rejection. The world has at times pushed us away, judging us and those we love based on our appearance or popularity or social acceptance. But God sees our hearts. He knows our needs...and draws us near." .......Nancy Stafford

I am reading this book by Nancy Stafford called Beauty by the Book. I've owned this book for several years and have read it numerous times. Everyime I read it I get something different and learn much more about how to love myself and how God loves me.

I've come to the realization that everyone like the quote says, has experianced a time where they felt they weren't pretty, nice, spiritual enough. I know I can get depressed and into a rut where I feel hopeless. I don't think that I'm ever going to think I'm as pretty as my sister or as talented or kind. But thats okay, cause I'm not Courtenay. I am Lindsa.y. I'm unique. Everyone says I look like my Mother. I pray that it is true. When I look at pictures of my mother, I am amazed by her beauty. She had both inner and outer beauty. I strive for that. I'm fighting for that. I'm praying that maybe I will someday find that.

I know this will be a lifelong learning adventure with God. I am aware that there will always be body issues etc. But I'm ready. As long as I can remember that God is the only judge I need to worry about, I'll be okay. I may just need to be reminded once or twice. Hence why I'm reading the book again.......

6 more Weeks!

Thats right. I will be done University in 6 short weeks. I will then complete my final teaching placement, and then its time for me to find a job.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm also feeling scared and worried. But excited at the same time! This is where my adult life really starts. In reality, I'm not guareenteed a job anywhere, but I hopeful that I will get one.

I can go anywhere in the world. There are jobs all over Canada that I am interested in, but what to do? I really really love Regina. I would love to stay there to be close to my friends and my family, and then I'm young. I'm not tied down yet, and that means, that why shouldn't I follow my dreams now right?

This is where the waiting game is. I'm applying to everything that suits my fancy, from White Horse NWT, to Peace River BC. I really wish that God would just say where he wanted me. I want to know where I can be and grow in him. Where I can be happy and teach. Anyways so I have a little time to decide but I really just wish I knew!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM!!!

Sam:
I can't believe that we've become such good friends in such a short time! I remember the first time I met you. You were so bubbly and cheery. We were at Tamara's sex toy party. What an awkward place to meet someone. But hey it happened.

I also remember begging you and Erin not to forget about me. To promise to call me, and then I remember being so incredibly surprised when you actually called and wanted to hang out. You were one of the ladies that made my summer unforgettable. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to express how much you mean. You have been there and listened to me cry over stupid family issues. You were also there to cheer me up with a slurpee whenever I needed it. Thanx for making me laugh, giggle, and dance! I thought I'd jot down some memories that I have of you in memorie and excitment of your 22nd birthday!

• Do you have a beamer? - What the heck was all I thought. I had no idea what you meant!!!
• One time Will gave me a jack-in-the-box! - Oh man, still makes me giggle, even if you don't laugh
• Tracy Byrd. As much as you didn't want to come, arn't you glad that I forced you!
• I remember when I tried to set you up with a friend, and you just didn't click, and came up with the saying, I'm not a coaxer!
• I love the pictures you took of my beautiful Molly. Sweet deal!

Anyways, those are just a few that I remember. I'm so happy that we'll have more memories to make as well. LOVE YOU. I'm sorry I can't be at the Samapalooza birthday party, but I'll be there in spirit.

Love Me!

So icy!

So I woke up this morning to ice covering the whole city. There was ice all over my car which I had to scrap off. Not my idea of fun, let me tell you! Anyways I went to a college and career event. I had managed not to crash my car or fall on the ice. I was so proud of myself. Well I think I was too proud!

I had to run to my car for a moment. So I go. There are six stairs, steep and made of really really hard rock. Being the idiot that I am, I fall. But I don't just fall a little. I fall down all six stairs. I hit my bum, my hands, my back, my legs, and my shoes fall off at the bottom.

To top it all off and make the story even better, this happened right infront of this guy Ben that I had NEVER met before. Crap. So I was in pain, wanting to cry and I have to think of some way to make the situation not as awkward. So I'm bleeding and trying to make light of the situation.

Man, so I am not planning on having an incredibly sore week. I can barely sit cause my ass hurts so much. Anyways think of me this week while your completing gymnastics and I can't move.

The New Diet

I'm been really struggling with this new diet. When to start it, how its gonna be, if I'm going to fail or be good at it. I've got all kinds of stupid little fears and comments running through my head.

So I've made a decision. Yes I'm going to try this diet. But I'm going to go slowley. I am not going to rush into anything. This diet requires that I give up alot of things and eat LOTS of things that I have NEVER liked in my whole life. It's going to be very hard.

So I'm starting slow. For the beginning I'm just trying to put more vegetables into my diet. I don't eat enough of them, and I dare to say I seldom have any. So this is my goal for this little bit.

I am also proud to say that I've been to the gym both scheduled times this week, even though I had a cold and I was complaining. Good thing for Jen. She pushes me and makes it fun. The hour just flies by.

Anyways please keep encouraging me to keep on this diet. I do see good things happening, I just need the push.

Spilling my guts!

I'm scared. I haven't been this scared in my life. I phone home and Dad doesn't sound the same. There is no life in his voice. You can tell he's worried, sad, scared. I can tell he's trying to be strong and I'm proud of him for that.

I hate the waiting game. I have never had to deal with anything like this before. The fact that there may be complete healing or death scares me more then anything. When I've been forced to deal with death, its been sudden and out of the blue. That seems easier in a way. Theres no waiting game and I know the final outcome. I know what will happen, and although I may not be happy with the outcome. I can grieve and learn to live with the loss. This is so much harder.

I'm not sure that loss is even an option. I honestly haven't even said that word outloud for this situation. As much as I'm trying to be realistic, I'm an optimist at heart. I'm really praying and hoping for the best. Please pray for my family. For my siblings, as well as my parents. Pray that this will bring us closer together and that everything goes well.

Written Diarrhea

Well its 8:23 on Tuesday evening and I have a million little things running through my brain, so bare with me.

• I went to the gym last night. We were there for 45 minutes and I'm really proud of both Jen and myself. I'm glad that I have her to kick my butt when I don't want to go and I love that she'll make me go!
• I'm going to be starting a new diet as soon as I can get to the grocery store. And I'm scared that I"m not going to be able to do it. I'm scared that I'm gonna cave and not lose the wieght that I want to lose.
• I'm excited that school has started cause it means I'm that much closer to graduation. Yeah for that!
• I'm sick with a cold, and I've decided to blame Sam. No reason really. But she had a cold earlier so I've decided that she passed her cold to me through the phone, makes sense eh?? I thought so.

This is the type of dog I want if I can't have Molly. I was reading the People magazine while I was babysitting today and I read an article on it. Its called a Puggle. Its a cross breed between a pug and a beagle. Ain't it cute. Its just small enough to be easy to handle, but big enough that its not a prissy little dog. If anyone ever wants to buy me a present, this is what I want. K?

I would name him Kenai, to go with my Brother Bear theme I started with Koda. I would do all the obediance schools and he would be so well behaved. Yep I've started to daydream about it. It keeps my mind from thinking, and I'm trying to keep myself happy and smiling. Its not easy, but I'm trying! So someone buy me this dog!

Needed sunshine!

So I'm sitting in my room sobbing, when my roommate Kim comes in. I had taken a couple pictures of the sleepover I had with Hannah with her camara. Only the catch is that I didn't tell Kim. Opps! She wasn't even mad! She just gave me the pictures and they made me smile. This one is of one of my favorite little girls in the whole wide world. She loves me unconditionally. She will always be my first little pseudo-daughter. I have learned so many things from her. Our sleepover was the best thing I have done in a long time. We ate swedish berries and watched Mary Poppins. Then she showed me her amazing reading skills and read me a french book. Anyways shes the bright spot in my day today. I needed a pick-me-up and I got it. Thank goodness for little girls named Hannah!

I think God hates me and my family!

I really do. I wish I could say that I'm being funny and its just a saying. I've honestly started to believe that he either really hates us or there really is no God! Life has never been easy for my Dad or for myself. Its been a road of trails, and full of mountians, with really good highs and really really low valleys. Well we're in another valley. A deep valley that I'm scared we may never come out of! I'm feeling so out of it. I'm angry at God and I'm really really sad. This just isn't fair!

A quote to get you through...

So I'm reading this book, and there is this quote that describes exactly how I feel. I thought I would share it with you.....

"We are more different now than we were as kids, but thats the way old friends work, I think. With new friends, what you have in common is more circumstantial: colleges, jobs, hobbies, acquaintances-of-the-hour. What old friends share goes deeper than that. Your lives can branch off in a completly different directions, but always, you share that knot of a past - heartbreaks and sleepovers and screened-in porches - and the raw particular memory of yourself which, in part, belongs to them. "...getting over jack wagner, by Elise Juska

This is interesting to be because I've been thinking alot about old friends and new friends. Scared of where I've been and where I'm going. Scared that if I change then I'll lose certain friends or that those friends will change and we'll grow apart. But this quote allows me to have hope. I know that the new friends I'm making will come because of circumstance and we will grow together. The old friends although it may seem we are growing apart, will always share a common past of boytalk, secrets, sleepovers, crazy ideas and love. We will always be linked and that makes me smile. A smile of wonder, hope and complete thankfulness!